


Grocery Store

by Spongyllama



Category: Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, obi-wan hates his life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-06
Updated: 2012-10-06
Packaged: 2017-11-15 18:27:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/530341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spongyllama/pseuds/Spongyllama
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Obi-Wan contemplates if he's the only sane one in the galaxy as he and Anakin visit a supermarket to pick up groceries for the Jedi Council. Filled to the brim of banter, shenanigans, and unexpected encounters. Oneshot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Grocery Store

Obi-Wan Kenobi was not pleased.

He couldn't believe it. He simply could not believe it.

He Forced open the door to his and Anakin's shared apartment in the Jedi Temple and quickly meditated on the spot to see if Anakin's Force signature was in the room. It was.

"Anakin?"

He heard shuffling on the other side of a wall separating where he was and the living room, so he cautiously stepped around the corner, fully anticipating a prank or some idiotic activity by his silly former Padawan.

Obi-Wan looked around, but didn't see Anakin anywhere. "Anakin, I can sense you're in here."

A voice drifted out from behind a sofa to his right. "Anakin is not here." A black-gloved hand popped above the top of the couch and waggled it's metallic fingers.

"Oh, in the name of-" Obi-Wan said, exasperated. "Anakin, your mind tricks don't work on me."

"You will not lecture Anakin on what he apparently did wrong today, even though whatever it was definitely not his fault," the voice said, and the hand continued to wave around. Obi-Wan didn't even feel any Force coming from the suggestion - Anakin wasn't even trying.

Obi-Wan marched over to the sofa and, in a way that betrayed his calm Jedi Master demeanor, grabbed Anakin's hand and pulled. To his surprise, however, Anakin's glove flew straight off his metal replacement arm and Obi-Wan flew back, slamming against a table with a loud bang and a painful bump on his head. Running a hand through his hair, Obi-Wan caught his breath and yelled, "Anakin!"

Anakin's shiny metal fingers were snatching through the air, looking for Obi-Wan. When he couldn't find his former master, he grumbled and his head emerged from behind the sofa, revealing only his forehead and eyes. His eyebrows scrunched together like they usually did when he was concentrated on something.

"Give me that," he said.

Obi-Wan raised an eyebrow and looked at the glove. "What, this?" Without a second thought, the Jedi Master tossed it behind him over his shoulder. Anakin stood up grumpily. "Next time, perhaps you shouldn't get your arm cut off."

As Anakin walked around the room trying to find where his elbow-length glove had disappeared to, Obi-Wan finally got to the point he had wanted to make originally. "Now don't worry, you didn't do anything wrong. For once. The Jedi Council has requested to see both of us and I came here to fetch you."

"What?" his former Padawan said distractedly. Obi-Wan shook his head, trying to remember why the two still shared an apartment now that they were no longer bound to each other. "But we just got back from a mission the other day!"

Obi-Wan nodded in agreement, his voice flat. "Yes but if you'll remember we are the dream team that the galaxy looks up to."

Anakin shrugged, glancing at him. "We deserve time off, too." He dropped to his knees, looking under one of the couches for the item that Obi-Wan had carelessly tossed around.

"Just find it and let's get this over with," Obi-Wan said, taking on the impatience he only ever finds when dealing with Anakin.

Anakin, however, seemed to be talking to himself, muttering an impression of Obi-Wan that he'd been mastering over the years. "'Oh, Anakin, I'm just going to stand here and wait for you while you crawl all around the floor of our apartment looking for something. Why don't you ever listen to me? Oh, Anakin, I have a bad feeling about this...'" Obi-Wan's shrewd expression burned into the back of Anakin's head. He retaliated.

"'Oh, Master, don't get mad but I went out and wrecked my starfighter, you know. Oh, Master, I couldn't sleep so I built another dozen droids that the Jedi temple doesn't need.'"

Finally, Anakin emerged from behind the sofa, slipping his shiny metal arm back into the glove. When he was done fitting it perfectly, he put his hands on his hips and looked at Obi-Wan, eyebrows raised.

Obi-Wan just gestured toward the door.

Anakin sighed, walking slowly towards the direction of their destination. "Why do I have to go?"

"Because you're a good Jedi who will do what the council says."

"But you're in the council!"

"Then do what I say!"

Anakin just moaned like the whiny teenager he was a few years ago.

"Anakin Skywalker if you don't come with me right now I will make you!"

The Knight groaned and followed Obi-Wan out the door towards the Jedi Council chambers.

-

"I didn't mean to blow up the fortress, Master, it just sort of...happened."

Obi-Wan chuckled before remembering to be the scolding and disapproving man that he was. "Well next time just make sure not to almost blow up your own clones." Obi-Wan and Anakin stepped out of the lift and through the door where the Jedi Council was waiting for them. They filed in and stood directly before Masters Windu and Yoda, awaiting whatever new mission they would be given.

"Greetings Master Kenobi, young Skywalker," Yoda said, his little green hands together. "A mission we have for you. A very important one, it is." Yoda turned to Mace and nodded.

Mace Windu slid his hand into a fold in his tunic and pulled out a long list. "The Jedi Council has formally selected the two of you because of your outstanding teamwork. It'll be necessary to put your heads together in order to accomplish your goal with this assignment."

Obi-Wan bowed slightly, saying, "What is our assignment, Masters?"

Mace and Yoda exchanged a long, contemplative glance like they always did before they turned back to Obi-Wan and Anakin. "We need you," Mace said slowly, drawing out the mission dramatically, "To go...to the supermarket for us to buy groceries."

Obi-Wan tried his hardest to suppress a groan, but Anakin just blinked.

"A supermarket?" Anakin said, not even trying to hide his confusion. "Isn't that a job for a Padawan or the kitchen staff?"

"Anakin," Obi-Wan said warningly, before bowing to the Jedi Masters. "We will do it, Masters. May I have the list?" Choosing to ignore Anakin's arrogance for now, Mace complied, handing Obi-Wan a very long list.

"Scrabble night, it is," Yoda said, blinking slowly. "Make sure you get everything, you must."

"The Republic will compensate you for all the credits you spend. And most especially do not forget the bantha steaks," Mace emphasized. Obi-Wan nodded dully.

"May the Force be with you," Yoda said, dismissing them.

Obi-Wan took the hint immediately and turned to leave, but Anakin was still standing there, visibly confused. Obi-Wan grabbed his old Padawan's arm and pulled him along gently, so as not to be too obvious.

When they were safely out the door, Anakin regained his sense. "They're asking us to grocery shop for them? Do they even sell bantha steaks on Coruscant? I haven't had one since I lived on Tatooine."

Obi-Wan was consulting the list. "Well, we'll have to find them somewhere. Master Windu gets very grumpy when he doesn't get his way..." They began to move towards the elevator.

"How come I never get invited to Scrabble night?"

"Don't take it personally, Anakin, Jedi Masters only."

"But I heard from Rex that you invited Cody to the last one!"

Obi-Wan coughed into his hand and picked up his pace. Anakin followed him, grumbling.

–

Obi-Wan waved his hand, using the Force to open the door to the hangar. He and his old Padawan stepped inside and without any hesitation at all, Anakin turned to his former Master.

"Master, can I drive?"

Obi-Wan scoffed. "I don't think so, not this time. I don't think I ever got over my anxiety from the last time you drove."

"But Master!" Anakin complained, putting on his famous whiny-Anakin expression that his master knew so well. (That all of the galaxy knew so well.) "Master, I'm good at flying!"

"Just because you have excellent reflexes does not mean you're an excellent pilot!"

"But remember that giant cruiser I landed on Ryloth?"

"Crash-landed!"

"But I saved the lives of hundreds of Twi'leks!"

"It was your fault the cruiser was crashing anyway! You got carried away when destroying the battle droids on the deck and ended up completely wrecking the control panel with your lightsaber!"

"But I did save everyone."

"You're too reckless. You almost got us both killed."

"Master," Anakin said with a grin, "I've almost gotten us killed hundreds of times."

Obi-Wan smacked his palm to his forehead. "That doesn't...fine," he sighed. "Fine, you can fly."

"Yahoo!" Anakin cheered, bounding off to choose a speeder. Obi-Wan followed him much more slowly. When he finally caught up to his apprentice, the latter was deliberating between two speeders.

"What do you think, Master?" he said, although Obi-Wan knew from experience that his opinion really didn't matter at all. "This one has an open cockpit which would be great for these weather conditions, but if you look at it it will fly a lot slower because of it's shape and it will take a lot longer to get there. But on this one, I don't really like these power couplings, don't you think they look a little unstable? And I don't really care for either of these colors, because you know the Jedi temple has never really had any great speeders-"

"Just pick one, Anakin," Obi-Wan said tiredly.

"Plus we need enough extra room that the groceries won't be shuffled around too much but will still fit snuggly - and we need to make sure they don't fly out so many this should be the one we choose-"

"Just pick a speeder!"

"Of course this kind with the shift-steering and the speed accelerators are the most fun but they're sort of dangerous - although that doesn't really matter because I can fly anything - but I never have flown one of these particular models before, although it'd probably be convenient to learn because they're gaining a lot of popularity, I saw on the Holonet that-"

"Anakin pick a speeder!"

"All right Master, you have me convinced. We'll take the open cockpit one."

Obi-Wan groaned and shuffled into the speeder. "Oh, I have a bad feeling about this...." Anakin hopped in the speeder with a show-offish Force jump and immediately started the speeder and lifted it off the platform. Obi-Wan hurried to strap himself in because the last time he hadn't he had nearly gone hurtling down 300 floors worth of Coruscanti buildings. He groaned throatily when the lightheaded sensation of flying overcame him, clutching the right side of the speeder with his right arm and Anakin with his left. If Obi-Wan flew out of this thing because of Anakin's reckless driving, Anakin was going with him.

Anakin drove the speeder out of the hangar and immediately accelerated to well past Obi-Wan's comfort zone. He stayed clear of the floating traffic lanes, choosing instead to fly in outrageous patterns, going too close to skyscraping business buildings before swerving to the side at the last minute, just nearly scraping the building.

Obi-Wan meanwhile was attempting to scream for Anakin to slow down, but instead it came out as a "Aaaaanaaaakaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!" When Anakin finally obliged Obi-Wan's unheard request, grinning, Obi-Wan swallowed hugely and said, "The grocery store is the other way and you know it! Turn around you - you - oh no!"

Deciding he was hungry and wanted to go to the grocery store anyway, Anakin obliged his old master's request, turned in the sharpest U-turn Obi-Wan has ever seen, and sped towards the intended supermarket.

When Anakin finally skidded to a hovering halt in the speeder parking lot, Obi-Wan had to remain there for a few minutes taking deep breaths to try to shake off his nausea. When he finally felt stable, he clambered out of the speeder. Anakin leaped out the same way he had gotten in, in a magnificent and extremely unnecessary Force jump that landed with a slam next to his old master, who blanched again from the shock.

"Come on, Master, I'm hungry," Anakin said, walking toward the automatic doors.

Obi-Wan shuffled behind him, feeling very much like a hobbling old man. "I'm coming, I'm coming, hold your Forces."

When they were inside, Anakin stood restlessly as Obi-Wan pulled out the shopping list Mace had given him. Eying the younger man carefully, Obi-Wan consulted Mace's scribbly words.

"All right," he said, his light eyes scanning the list. His free hand moved up to his beard like it always did. "I'm not even sure if we can find all these things here...mynock wings? Eugh, how uncivilized. Gundark sausages? I'll have nothing to do with those beasts again, thank you very much... All right, Anakin, if we split up we should be able to get this all rather quickly...do you want to - Anakin?"

Obi-Wan looked up in time to see the bottom of Anakin's dark brown Jedi robe whipping around a corner into an aisle nearby. The Jedi Master's eyes flicked up to the sign hovering near the ceiling - and all he needed to see was the word CANDY in bold pink letters before he sighed heavily and followed his old apprentice. Anakin sensed him as he approached and whipped around quickly.

"Master, I want M&Ms."

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes. "No, Anakin, you cannot have M&Ms, we're here for the Jedi Coun-"

"But I want them!"

"Don't be greedy, Anakin."

"But look, they're buy one get one free!"

"Your teeth are going to rot if you keep eating all this candy, my old Padawan."

"The Jedi have good dental care!"

"No, Anakin."

"You will buy me M&Ms."

Obi-Wan sighed. True to his famous nickname, he decided to negotiate. "If you get M&Ms, that means no Sour Patch Kids or Skittles."

Anakin looked aghast. "But Master-"

"Anakin, you need to learn some self-restraint."

Suddenly, Obi-Wan's comlink began to beep. He furrowed his eyebrows and picked it off his belt. "Kenobi," he said, eying Anakin. A loud and very familiar voice resounded out of the comlink, louder than most of these transmissions usually were.

"Master Kenobi," Yoda's distinctive voice grumbled. "While at the grocery store you are, buy me prunes, you must."

Obi-Wan held the comlink far away so that his sigh wouldn't be heard by the Jedi Grand Master. However - "Heard that, I did," Yoda said. "Prunes, you will get, or off of the Jedi Council, you will be." Obi-Wan heard another beep that indicated the transmission's end, and Obi-Wan just shook his head and looked at his apprentice, who was staring intently at the shelves.

The young Jedi looked between his master and the hundreds of packages of M&Ms that went from the floor to the ceiling. There were regular, mini, coconut, peanut butter, pretzel, peanut, dark chocolate - all these M&Ms, so many... With a deep breath and a pouty face, Anakin Skywalker grabbed a bag of dark chocolate (his personal favorite) and a bag of coconut (hoping to appease his master because everyone in the galaxy knows that coconut M&Ms are Obi-Wan Kenobi's favorite candy) and stormed away. Obi-Wan glanced down in the shopping cart at the dark chocolate ones ("So great you'll turn to the dark side for sure!") and looked warily at the back of his retreating Padawan with concern.

–

Obi-Wan and a grudging Anakin moved gradually around the supermarket, plucking off the needed groceries and plopping them in the hovercart. More than once, Obi-Wan was ready to grab his beard and forcibly rip it out because of Anakin's incessant badgering for more types of candy, but he took a deep breath and moved along. Eventually, the amount of items they needed amounted to so much food that Anakin was forced to stop bouncing off the walls and push a shopping cart of his own.

Obi-Wan looked down at the list.

"Next we need to go to the bread aisle and get..." he had to squint to read Mace Windu's illegible scribbles. "Corellian...treeble bread?" He and Anakin rounded the corner to the aisle. "I've never heard of - ah!"

Obi-Wan collided with a shopping cart of some imbecile who hadn't been looking where they were going (the Jedi Master would never admit that he was the one who hadn't been paying attention, with the Force or otherwise). Groceries went flying in every direction and the people leading the carts were thrown back. Groaning, Obi-Wan sat up and vaguely saw the shape of his old Padawan extending his human hand to help him up - but when he looked more closely, Anakin was actually ignoring him completely.

"Padme?"

"Uggghhhnn...," a female voice said wearily before growing sharp with recognition. "Ani?"

"Are you all right?" Anakin said, helping Padme up and brushing dust off her shoulders - and if Obi-Wan wasn't mistaken, giving her a very intimate look.

"Senator Amidala," Obi-Wan said sternly, formally, giving Anakin a hard look.

Padme cleared her throat awkwardly. "Master Jedi," she said, trying her hardest not to meet Anakin's eye. Senator and Jedi alike stood there in the supermarket, awkwardly silent, until Obi-Wan sighed exasperatedly and began sorting through his and Padme's groceries, which were now all mixed together. No one said anything, until -

"Whoooooooop!" a shrill, high-pitched voice exclaimed and Obi-Wan and Anakin exchanged glances, eyes widening. Obi-Wan rose and slowly said, "Senator, please tell me you didn't bring –" Padme bore an apologetic expression as she shook her head in defeat. Obi-Wan understood; words weren't necessary.

"Wooooop!" the voice said again as Jar Jar Binks rounded the corner into the aisle in which they had collided. Obi-Wan groaned internally as he braced himself.

Jar Jar came to a sharp but clumsy stop when he noticed them. His ear flaps jerked backward and his eyestalks waggled, his tongue flew out of his mouth and quite frankly he looked like he was going berserk.

"Obi! Obi! Ani! Ani! Ani and Obi! Aaaahhh, yaaaa, yaaaa, yiyiyiyi!"

Patrons of all species and colors turned wary eyes to them as Jar Jar Binks began leaping and yipping and shouting. "Mesa so smilen to be runnen into yousa here of all places! Padme, wassa a coinkidink! Wesa needs to CELEBABRATES!" Without further ado, Jar Jar grabbed a food container from off the shelf, ripped it open, and stuck his tongue into the jar. Weird gooey slobber spewed everywhere and a few globs of it landed in Obi-Wan's hair. The Jedi Master sighed.

"Jar Jar!" Padme hissed, trying to use her political expertise to hide her disgust. "Jar Jar, we have to pay for the food first! Ah-" She turned to the Jedi. "I needed to go shopping but the senators didn't want to deal with him, so I had to take him along. He's like a four-year-old," she added in a whisper, but she needn't have - Jar Jar was making enough noise to supply power for half of Coruscant.

"Don't worry, Padme," Obi-Wan said wearily, rubbing his head. "I know quite well what it's like to take a four-year-old shopping." He shot an evil look at Anakin, who shrugged.

"Jar Jar," Padme said loudly, using the voice she had adopted as Queen Amidala, commanding. "Will you please go get me a watermelon?"

Jar Jar ceased his slurping. "Okeeday, Misa Padme!" he said, walking off.

Obi-Wan shook his head in dismay. "I'm so sorry." He bent down to replace all their food items, none of which had broken (thank the Force). "If I ever learn a trick to controlling people like these four year olds of ours, I'll let you know, and Anakin will you please help me with these groceries?!" Anakin bent down, grumbling. Obi-Wan rolled his eyes; the young Jedi must still be annoyed over the M&Ms thing.

Finally, they managed to sort through all of the items and replace them back in the hovercarts. When they all straightened up, however, they heard something that they would have quite liked to ignore.

"Oh, no!"

They turned instinctively toward the aisle perpendicular to them to see dozens of watermelons rolling past, followed by Jar Jar Binks, who was hopping and skipping over the rolling balls just like he had at the battle of Naboo over ten years ago. Obi-Wan heard a strange hiss come from Padme and turned calmly toward her. He sensed a great deal of sudden irritable rage coming from her.

"Jar Jar" she said in a furious whisper, and pushed her hovercart roughly past Anakin to follow Jar Jar and probably do something violent. Obi-Wan wisely decided that the Jedi should not be involved in this personal affair.

–

A few moments later, the Jedi walked away, turning a blind ear to the loud screams and whacks coming from a few aisles down, accompanied by some shrill cries ("I TOLD YOU, YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE WATERMELON FROM THE TOP OF THE PILE!!"). Obi-Wan walked briskly towards their next destination: the cereal aisle.

"Anakin, I need you to get Cocoa Puffs, Fruit Loops, Honey Bunches of Oats, All Bran-"

"Master, did you know it takes four bowls of All Bran to equal the vitamin and mineral nutrition that you get in one bowl of Total?"

Obi-Wan turned to his old apprentice and an eyebrow flew up. "What?"

"And it takes three boxes of Special K to equal what you could have in one box of Total," Anakin explained apologetically.

"But the council wants -"

"Master, everyone on Tatooine knows that cereals like All Bran, Special K, and Raisin Bran pale in comparison to what you could get in only one bowl of Total. And it goes great with blue milk."

Obi-Wan blinked irritably up at him, taking a deep breath before calling upon the Force to help calm himself. Obi-Wan Kenobi never, ever got mad - except for when dealing with Anakin Skywalker.

He said, a hand on his beard, "Just. Get. The All Bran."

Anakin shrugged and walked away in hunt of the cereals. Obi-Wan turned to face the huge section of Cheerios. But before he went to pick out the boxes that the Council needed, he called over his shoulder to Anakin: "And no Cinnamon Toast Crunch! You have enough sugar as it is!" He smirked a little when he heard Anakin's heavy, over-dramatic sigh.

"All right," he mumbled to himself. "They need Chocolate Cheerios, normal Cheerios, Yogurt Cheerios, Honey Nut Cheerios -" Obi-Wan broke off his mental recounting as something caught his eye - a colorful display of a cereal he had never heard of before. "Galaxy O's," he read. It was a store-brand of Cheerios, he knew immediately, and at a much cheaper price - Cheerios had been painfully expensive ever since the Great Cheerio Crisis of Malastare, which he and Anakin had been right in the thick of when they were still master and apprentice. Obi-Wan still had the scar.

Well, it seemed like a good idea. He hardly assumed that what with the war the Republic had enough money to keep funding these expensive Cheerios, so he slowly walked over to the Galaxy O's and began reaching for the required flavors. He was stopped, however, by Anakin's voice.

"Hey, hey, what are you doing?" the young Jedi said, storming over. Obi-Wan glanced at him, confused. "You can't buy the store brand!"

"And why not?"

"Because store brand foods are always worse than the real thing. Are you really the wise Obi-Wan Kenobi?"

"But it's so much cheaper, I'm sure the Jedi Council will understand-" he said, reaching for the boxes again.

"I'm telling you, Obi-Wan! It isn't a good idea!"

Obi-Wan sighed. "You never stop, do you? Very well." The Master reached down onto his belt and picked up the comlink, quickly dialing in Mace Windu's number. The call went through immediately.

"Windu."

"Master Windu, it's Obi-Wan. I'm at the cereal aisle. Your list says you require several boxes of different Cheerios, but I've been arguing with my Padawan-" he looked at Anakin irritably, "That the store brand is just as good. I thought it would-"

"Obi-Wan, I'm disappointed in you. Always buy the real thing, never the store brand."

"But surely, with the price being so much more affordable-"

"Kenobi-"

"With all due respect, Master Windu," Obi-Wan said in his famous calm and reassuring voice, "I don't quite see how the Republic can still afford to-"

"Get the real thing, Obi-Wan," Windu's voice said. "We will discuss this when you get back to the Temple." The comlink turned off. Obi-Wan tried not to notice Anakin's smug expression. He almost threw the cheerios into the hovercart and began stalking away.

"Anakin, put back the Cinnamon Toast Crunch."

–

Obi-Wan was getting tired as he walked beside Anakin to the opposite side of the store. Exhausted. Never could he have imagined that shopping for the Jedi Council - and with Anakin - could be more tiring than leading troops of clones into battle against thousands of droids, but all he wanted to do was drop onto the floor and sleep.

Anakin, however, was endlessly amused. Out of the corner of his eye, Obi-Wan saw him testing how much weight the hover cart could hold by standing on the bar that ran below the handle. He was gingerly placing one foot on this bar and using his other to push him along slightly, subtly, as though he didn't want Obi-Wan to notice before he figured it out. Obi-Wan knew that he needed to reprimand his old apprentice for acting like a four-year-old, but he just couldn't find the energy.

That is, until Anakin pushed off really hard and went flying down the aisle.

Obi-Wan's eyes widened, shouted "Anakin!", and jolted down past rows of meat of all colors to catch up to his charge. As he watched Anakin use his podracing reflexes to dart in between shoppers, Obi-Wan could hardly keep up while not pushing people out of the way.

"Anakin!" he shouted again, but he knew it wouldn't work even in a million light-years. Closing his eyes and pulling influence from the Force, Obi-Wan pushed himself to speed up to his rowdy apprentice, leaning his weight from side to side to avoid impediments and to round corners neatly. But the Force was stronger with Anakin than it was with him, and Obi-Wan knew he needed a trick.

As Anakin continued to race ahead, vaguely shouting, "Catch me if you can, Master!", Obi-Wan turned sharply down the pet aisle and then sharply again, prepared to cut off his unruly Padawan. And it worked. It always did. Anakin's excitement and impatience would never be a match for Obi-Wan's calm and thoughtful strategy.

Obi-Wan flew in right beside Anakin as he zipped down the aisle. The darker-robed Jedi glanced at him wide-eyed and tried to think of a maneuver to get away from Obi-Wan, but Obi-Wan was quicker: he raised his right hand and pointed it at Anakin, willing for all of the Force to stop the foolish Jedi before he tore up the entire store. Anakin made a "Whoaa-" sound as he cluttered to a stop and sort of collapsed on the floor, clutching his stomach where he had been thrust into the bar of the hover cart. Obi-Wan walked up next to him.

And as Obi-Wan looked down the bridge of his nose at where the unruly light-brown hair of his old Padawan was - and for a moment Obi-Wan debated asking the Council if Anakin could be demoted to Padawan again - he said in what he hoped was a truly menacing voice: "No shopping cart races."

Anakin just looked up at him, his face slightly screwed up in discomfort.

–

After a frigid process of apologizing to all the people that Anakin almost killed during the boy's recklessness, Obi-Wan finally managed to get back to the task at hand. Shopping.

Obi-Wan was pushing his cart straight, his eyes focused so he wouldn't be distracted by anything more than they already had been. Anakin was following in a gloomy trail behind him, occasionally groaning or muttering something about "I want Doritos." Obi-Wan simply shook his head and tried to ignore him.

As he headed toward the bread aisle to pick up the next item on Windu's extremely unorganized list (if Obi-Wan had made it he would have at least put the groceries in order of the stores aisles, but he hadn't had time) Anakin stopped him with a tiny voice.

"Uh...Master?"

Obi-Wan halted for a moment, debating answering; perhaps if he ignored it, it would just go away, yes?

"Master?"

That worked with small children sometimes, didn't it?

"Master, really!"

And that one time that it worked against the Separatist troops –

"Master, I really think you should see this."

Obi-Wan put a hand on his chin, stroking his beard, trying to calm himself, before turning on his heel. "What is it, Anakin?"

"Master, General Grievous is in the medicine aisle."

"Oh," Obi-Wan said, turning back to his cart and about to push it towards the bread aisle, before he spun once again, wildly this time. "What?!"

"General Grievous. In the medicine aisle."

Obi-Wan stared at him. "Anakin, I swear upon the Force itself that if you're lying to me again-"

"Master," Anakin said, putting his metal hand on Obi-Wan's arm softly. "Just listen. You can hear him coughing."

Obi-Wan furrowed his eyebrows at Anakin, but obliged. Indeed, there was an unpleasant hacking sound coming from the medicine aisle. Together, the two Jedi peered into the row and Obi-Wan got a glimpse of the heavy durasteel arms and legs, the skull-like helmet, and the yellow eyes surveying something in the shelves before he pulled Anakin back.

"All right, Anakin, I think if we do a pincer attack, we can get him this time and he won't have anywhere to run to -"

Anakin, however, just groaned. "Obi-Wan, it's our day off."

Obi-Wan looked at him in alarm. "It's General Grievous!"

"We're in a grocery store."

Obi-Wan narrowed his eyes. "That hasn't seemed to matter to you the whole time we've been here." Anakin looked as though he were about to say something, but relented and turned down the aisle next to the medicine, ran a ways, and gave Obi-Wan a thumbs-up as he grabbed his lightsaber off his belt. Obi-Wan nodded, and indicated.

Slowly, both readying their Form III and V lightsaber positions, they entered the medicine aisle and neared General Grievous. He didn't seem to notice over his his thick coughing. Obi-Wan waited until they were a few feet away to say something: Jedi never give a surprise attack.

"Well, hello there," Obi-Wan said loudly, but Grievous paid them no mind. The Jedi shared a confused glance over the general's cloak. Anakin tried clearing his throat loudly - nothing.

"Hello there," Obi-Wan tried again, and General Grievous turned slightly in his direction, did a double-take like Obi-Wan had a few minutes ago, before he basically exploded into motion and rage.

"Kenobi!" he said, his grainy voice loud and raspy. "I was just visiting Coruscant for the galaxy's best cough drops, but I could not find any. But if I can finish the great Negotiator today, then perhaps this trip will have been..." Grievous took a step closer. "Worthwhile."

Obi-Wan smiled minutely as Anakin offered a loud throat clear again but was promptly ignored. Grievous instead was pulling out his lightsabers, his extra arms unlocking promptly, his wrists beginning to twist as the cold metal fingers ignited the four blades. As usual, the area around him that wasn't clear was in the way of the lightsaber's blades, so sparks began to arise as the cough drops and cough medicine was torn to shreds; none of the three life-forms/cyborgs paid it any mind, although shrieks were floating down the aisles in alarm.

The three lightsaber-wielding beings leaped into action all at the same time. Grievous didn't appear to notice Anakin - rather, the battle was going to fast that he seemed to think that Obi-Wan had two blades, or perhaps was just moving very fast; it didn't matter. The Jedi were leaping all around, jumping off shelves and scattering plastic bottles of rubbing alcohol and cotton balls all over the floor. Strikes were being parried and reflected and dodged, evaded and countered and dodged again. However, Grievous didn't seem in the mood for a prolonged battle against the two dream Jedi; the very second that he was given room to move, he bolted off, his heavy footsteps carving dents in the floor as his metal toes unleashed horrible scraping noises that resounded off windows and the ceiling. General Grievous rushed forward, with Anakin and Obi-Wan on his tail, lightsabers still ignited – but when the Separatist General launched himself at full speed through a window, Obi-Wan called for Anakin to stop.

"Well, that was anti-climactic."

"But we almost had him, Master!"

Obi-Wan shook his head, looking down as the General fell beyond sight. He would survive, though. He always seemed to.

"Come on, Anakin."

Anakin grumbled, clipping his lightsaber back to his belt and trying to ignore the absolutely petrified stares of the grocers and customers.

Suddenly, Obi-Wan's comlink began to beep again. He looked at it in alarm, afraid the Jedi Council might already know what had happened and demand them back there for a report, meaning this whole trip would have been useless - but when he picked it off his belt and replaced his lightsaber, he got an entirely different response.

"Kenobi," he said, very wary.

"Master Obi-Wan," Yoda's voice said. "Q-tips, you will bring me."

Obi-Wan raised his eyebrows as he surveyed the medicine aisle, where the Q-tips would be if they hadn't been destroyed. Trying not to sound suspicious, he said, "Yes, Master Yoda, I will buy Q-tips."

"Extra large, I require," Yoda said. "Know this, you do. Wise, you are, Obi-Wan. May the Force be with you."

Obi-Wan coughed a hesitant "MaytheForcebewithyouMasterYoda" and ended the transmission quickly.

Anakin just shook his head and walked back to the carts.

–

"Why does Master Fisto need goldfish crackers?"

"Obi-Wan, I want goldfish crackers."

"Anakin..."

–

"Master Mundi can buy his own peanut butter."

"Master, I think we're out of peanut butter."

"Anakin!"

–

"What in the world could Shaak Ti possibly need all these muffins for?"

"Master, I want to go to Dunkin' Donuts."

"Anakin!"

–

"I just restocked the Jedi Council room with hot chocolate last week!"

"I want hot chocolate, Obi-Wan."

"Shut up!"

–

Obi-Wan's comlink began to beep for what seemed like the hundredth time that afternoon. Gritting his teeth, Obi-Wan reached for it and tried to calmly pluck it off his belt.

"Kenobi," he said into it, preparing for the worst.

"Master Kenobi," Yoda's voice said formally in greeting through the speaker on the comlink. "Get me Bran Flakes, you must."

Obi-Wan almost started crying. "Master Yoda, we left the cereal aisle ages ago!"

Yoda's voice suddenly became very stern. "Complaints, hmmm? No complaining, Obi-Wan, or expelled from the Jedi Order, you will be."

The transmission ended with Obi-Wan wide-eyed, gulping, and hurriedly rushing Anakin forward. "Anakin, go get Master Yoda some Bran Flakes."

Anakin just shook his head with a grin and went in the direction of the cereal aisle. However, as they walked by a certain smoldering wreckage that was entirely not Obi-Wan Kenobi's fault at all, Anakin stopped.

"Master?"

Obi-Wan groaned a weird half-sob, half-furious-growl groan and said, "What is it now?"

"Do you remember that Sith Lord that you cut in half with your lightsaber on Naboo?"

Obi-Wan gritted his teeth. That evil red and black Zabrak that had killed Qui-Gon? He would never forget. He became weary, fast. "Don't tell me that he's here, too. Please don't tell me that he's here too."

"Sorry, Master, but he's in the medicine aisle."

Tiredly, Obi-Wan leaned a little so that he could peek into the medicine aisle, where indeed, Darth Maul was standing. Except, he wasn't really standing – he was - what in the world?

Darth Maul was standing, or at least he appeared to be, in what remained of the now infamous medicine aisle. And he, and Obi-Wan considered for a long moment getting eye-replacing-surgery, appeared to be, uh - holding up the lower portion of his body with his torso balanced on top of it. One black-clad arm was busy with this, and Obi-Wan didn't envy the task, while his other arm held what appeared to be Krazy Glue. His yellow Sith eyes were browsing the tylenol, which luckily for him was completely intact after the Jedi's reunion with General Grievous.

Anakin was reaching towards his lightsaber again, but Obi-Wan, after a moment of furious contemplation, simply sighed and began walking towards the cereal to pick up Master Yoda's kriffing Bran Flakes. Anakin was alarmed.

"Master, aren't we going to get him? He's a Sith Lord! He killed Qui-Gon! And - I don't imagine it would be very hard." Anakin chortled a little.

Obi-Wan just looked at him contemplative for a moment before just shaking his head and moving on.

"It's our day off, Anakin."

–

About a very hard, physically-trying twenty minutes later, Obi-Wan grinned in triumph. Finally, FINALLY, it was done! It was DONE! Every item was crossed on the list, sitting in their five shopping carts specifically as Master Windu had required. All of Yoda's (cough, stupid, cough) comlink orders were pulled out, and they could finally go to the register! Oh, sweet, sweet banthas!

But then - and Obi-Wan was ready to tear out his beard in horrible, completely un-Jedi aggravated frustration –

The comlink beeped once again. Grabbing it, Obi-Wan nearly shouted, "In the name of - what is it now, Master Yoda?"

"Anti-wrinkle cream, I require."

"But Master," Obi-Wan said desperately, his eyes flicking up to the signs near the ceiling indicating the contents of the aisles, "we're in a grocery store-"

"Neutrogena," Yoda's voice said, and the comlink blinked off.

Obi-Wan sunk to the ground. All of his demeanor completely vanished; he was losing it. He was breaking. Surely, surely, everyone else had gone insane? Windu with his bantha steaks, Padme for bringing Jar Jar Binks to a grocery store and now Master Yoda, the nine hundred year old Jedi Grand Master of the Order, servant of the Republic for almost a millennium, thought he could make his wrinkles go away with Neutrogena?!

"Anakin," Obi-Wan said very seriously, looking up at the grey-blue eyes of his former Padawan, who surveyed him, bemused. "Anakin, I need you to do something for me."

Anakin raised his scarred eyebrow.

"Kill me. Right here. Pretend I'm a Separatist. Just do it."

Anakin looked alarmed for a moment, pondered, and then reached out his human hand to help Obi-Wan up. "Don't say that, Master."

Obi-Wan just shook his head miserably. Everyone else was crazy, and Obi-Wan was quite sure that Anakin was the only person he could trust right now. He wearily extended his hand and offered the assistance, leaning heavily on Anakin when he was finally on his feet. He didn't trust himself to stay standing alone.

Anakin just chuckled. "If it helps, I've heard that the Separatist shopping lists are much longer. They don't have the funds that the Republic does for groceries because they blow it all on making battle droids."

Obi-Wan smiled weakly. "Where did you hear that?"

"Rex. Now, here," Anakin said, gesturing forward. "The aisle with Neutrogena is right next to the tea aisle. You know how much you love tea."

Obi-Wan smiled again. "I do love tea."

"Well, how about we get you some? Come on, let's go." Anakin Forced the small army of shopping carts forward, Force-summoned a bottle of Neutrogena anti-wrinkle cream to his hand, and walked into the tea aisle, still supporting Obi-Wan. Then, he propped his old master against a shelf.

"Okay," Anakin said, looking at the many colorful boxes. "What kind do you want?"

Obi-Wan considered, his hand on his beard thoughtfully. "Well...chai tea. Oh, and oolong tea."

Anakin nodded, plucking a couple boxes off the shelves. "Okay then, shall we go, finally?"

"Yes, I think so," Obi-Wan said, shifting his weight onto his weak feet. "Actually, no. I also want some chamomile to help my slumber tonight." Anakin nodded slowly, locating a box. "And...green tea. How about...cranberry? That's my favorite, you know. Oh, and perhaps peach. And ginger peach. That should be about it."

Slowly, Anakin shot him a strange glance and obliged to get the types of tea. "Okay, then let's -"

"No, wait. Get some black tea. Lipton. Ooh, and mint. Peppermint, yes. Oh, and how about green tea with Jasmine? Oh, and some Irish Breakfast."

"Okay but Obi-Wan I think that's enough-"

"And some green tea with blueberry."

"I-"

"No, really, that should be good. Oh wait, just one more-"

"Master, I think-"

"No, no, really. Just get a box of plain green tea. Now we can go."

With a new-found energy, Obi-Wan walked dandily down the aisle towards the cash registers. He had a sparkle in his eye like a younger man than he was - but it went out the moment he saw the long length of the lines.

And for what was the two hundred thousandth time this afternoon, Obi-Wan Kenobi sighed.

He and Anakin queued up in line. Anakin was glancing at the magazines near the register, and Obi-Wan took this time to meditate.

No...wait...something..was wrong.

 

 

"Anakin, do you feel that?"

"Hm?"

"There's a disturbance in the Force."

"Huh?"

"I feel something is terribly wrong..."

"Master, did you know we're on the cover of Galactic People Magazine?"

Obi-Wan spared a glance at the cover - a picture of him and Anakin with the caption 'The Hero With No Fear and The Negotiator wreak havoc in a local Coruscanti supermarket as they engage droid leader General Grievous in battle while shopping for groceries' – before looking back to survey the list. And as Anakin said vaguely, "I wonder how they get these out so fast?" Obi-Wan noticed the source of the disturbance. They had forgotten an item! Oh dear Force no - oh dear - oh -

"Anakin!" Obi-Wan snapped at the young Jedi. "I have to go get an item - wait here!"

Suddenly, Anakin panicked. "Wait, no, Master!" he called as Obi-Wan walked away. "No, what if our turn comes? What if - what if you don't come back in time and –" but Obi-Wan just ran away.

It didn't come to that, of course, because Obi-Wan was back with a bag of Gungun crackers within a few seconds. Anakin relaxed, casually threw the copy of Galactic People Magazine into one of the carts, and turned away pretending nothing had happened. Obi-Wan chose to ignore it. He just wanted to go home.

The Coruscanti sun was setting by the time it was their turn to get the items rung up; Anakin Forced the hover carts forward as Obi-Wan walked to give the cashier their Galactic credit card. Despite everything, Obi-Wan mused, it had been a good day. He had some time with Anakin, practiced his saber skills, learned to be just a little bit more patient with the worlds; and for once in quite a long while, he would be able to go home and choose from a very large variety of tea to drink. Yes, this day was quite okay.

That was, of course, until he turned to face the cashier. The young, pimply Twi'lek boy was surveying him with a weird, pretentious expression, and the first thing he said was, "Aren't you the two who destroyed the medicine aisle?"

It wasn't the look that the Twi'lek was giving Obi-Wan. It wasn't the time of day, or even the accumulation of events that had happened, with Yoda and Windu and Grievous and Maul and Padme Amidala and Jar Jar Binks. None of those things were what made Obi-Wan Kenobi snap.

It, for some unexplained reason, was the words 'medicine aisle.'

Obi-Wan exploded.

"WHAT?!" he shouted, unknowingly using the Force to proclaim his voice all around the store. He pulled out his lightsaber and ignited it - Anakin made a sudden movement. "WHAT DO YOU EXPECT OF ME?! IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF THE JEDI COUNCIL! THE JEDI NEED GROCERIES TOO, YOU KNOW!"

The boy gulped tremendously. Shaking, he went as fast as he could to ring up all the items; some of the groceries appeared to simply fly by without a 'beep', with Obi-Wan still pointing his blue blade at the young boy. Anakin tentatively offered him a gentle pat on the arm with his human hand, before squeezing by the bag the groceries.

What it was all done, Obi-Wan looked down menacingly at the Twi'lek and said – screamed – a very angry, "MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU." and followed Anakin out of the store.

~the (dear Merlin how long was this fic) end~


End file.
